You maybe thinking why there are so many posters and magazines that show the perfect and right body figures for woman. You might just think that "Oh I wanna be that girl!" or "What do they eat?! They're skinnier than me."
Let's face it. There is no such thing as a 'perfect' body. Those pictures of models are giving the wrong message to all females of all ages. This is what gets me mad. This is what grinds my gears. This is one the reasons why I am writing this. The other reason is that no matter what I do, I'm always going to be body shamed. Yes. Body shamed.
I wasn't always a plus sized woman. I was pretty thin when I was 14. After the age of 16, that's when things took a turn. You see I come from a different culture and ethnicity background (let's just call it South Asian for now). It started when I was 16. I had failed the computer test for my driver's license for the 5th time. And it wasn't anything new. I would get scolded and lectured by parents. And then they would add the comparison. Oh that would get on my nerves! It started then and then it started building up, building up.....building up to the point where it started to get to me. Inside. Inside I was starting to die. They said words that cannot be unwritten. Whenever I dolled myself up, I wouldn't get any compliments...or would you say "you should loose weight" a compliment? I may be gullible but I'm not stupid.
The only person....what I wanted him to tell me was I look fine just the way I am. But lo and behold! I am constantly reminded of my weight. Compared to. Do you think I like being this way? The people who brought me to this world have made me this way. I have never been comfortable in my skin let alone my weight....but it's the same thing, right? I don't like my pictures being taken....because I am afraid. I am afraid to see who I really am. What I look like even though I see myself every day in the bathroom mirror. And you don't think I don't like seeing myself like that? Why? Just why? Why do I have to meet anyone's standard if I am not even comfortable with myself? Why do I have to see other people show off their weight loss? Why? Just WHY? I feel tortured. I'm tired. I'm tired and sick of hearing it. I want to comfortable in own skin. This is one of the reason why I haven't been able to get a job...or any job in fact. This needs to stop. There are so many women out there that may be feeling like I do. Why do you have to dig my old wounds and pour salt on them? Just stop.
I never had any real true friends. I cry every night hoping for a turn. My turn to shine. But I have lost all the hope for that. My turn isn't going to come. This needs to stop. I want to feel like myself. I want to laugh and enjoy life. But how can I do that when body shame comes in the picture? I have not been able to open up to anyone except my online friends. What am I supposed to do when all of this just comes at once and you ask me what I want to do? Fuck you. Fuck you, you, you, and yeah. YOU.
Body shame needs to stop. Showing pictures of skinny girls need to stop. I am grateful for all those role models out there that are plus sized women and are not afraid to show what they are made out of. It gives me that little hope. That little hope that I need to surround myself with positive energy. I need surround myself with people who will later become my friends. I just want to ask you body shamers out there. What does it give you? When you make fun or criticize us plus size women, what does it give you? Pleasure? Happiness? Or do you make fun of them because they get the attention that you never get? Is that it? Must be it because you skinny ass mofos aren't worth the fight.
So punch it. Kick it. And light it on fire. And watch it all burn away into the air.
-Annie
P.S. I wrote this because it is one of the things I am going through at the moment among a lot of other things. It is one of those things that won't go away. Don't ask me the other things because I won't be telling you. Gossip much? Get outta here.
